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    Signals in WW1?

    This is part of an annex to the Imperial Iron Cross book that I am lendig a hand on. The award document parts will have a bit of background to the kind of units shown on the document and soe eye witness accounts of those units in action.

    Forgive all the mistakes, it is not edited, just a rough draft.

    Prewar German manuels had warned that technical communications means ..if used to often and particularly in combat, could lead to the danger that a field officer may loose opportunities to use his initiative...

    As an alternative messengers on bicycles, on horses and on foot were suggested, cavalry relais stations were highly praised.

    Under technical communications were grouped field telephones, cable telegraphy, morse blinkers, semephore, wireless telegraphy, carrier pigeons, messenger dogs, automobiles and motorcycles. The war would prove, that to command troops in the field, all of the above methods were needed, and the success depended not only on the equipment, but also to a large extend on the sacrifice of the communications troops.

    During combat, communications on company, battalion and regimental level was originaly to be done by means of semaphore. After the outbreak of hostilities this proved not only to be impracticle, but also suicidle and soon this method of communication was to be used almost exclusively by troops in mountainous areas as it not only gave away the units position, but also led to high casaulties amongst the exposed signallers.

    During the initial mobile phase of the war, the "Race for the sea", little changed in the German signalling services, but the Germans were soon to learn, particularly from the French, that the telephone cable was an important battlefield innovation.

    German troops advancing in the Vogesen found themselves under accurate artillery fire in areas where no French troops were to be found. The Germans were both furious and astounded to discover telephone cables leading to hidden artillery observers. This potential had not yet been appretiated by the German army.

    It was only as the armies started digging in that the use of field telephones began to spread, first connecting companies to battalions, battalions to regiments and the regiments to higher commnds. The lines then stretched to include neighbouring units, artillery observers, supply units and administrative offices.

    By the end of the war the German Nachrichten troops consisted of

    At the highest levels

    96 Kraftwagen-Fernsprech-Bauz?ge

    30 Fernsprech-Bauz?ge

    97 Fernsprech-Betriebsz?ge

    20 Fernsprech-Stations

    72 Blinkerz?ge

    Heeres-Nachrichten-Schule

    Heeres-Nachrichten-Park

    At the Heeresgruppen Level

    5 Heeresgruppen-Fernsprech-Abteilungen

    At the Armee-Oberkommandoes

    47 Fernsprech-Abtelungen

    23 Armee-Funker-Abteilungen

    20 Armee-Nachrichten-Parks

    17 Messengerdog Staffeln

    At Generalkommando level

    71 Gruppen-Fernsprech-Abteilungen

    63 Gruppen-Funker-Abteilungen

    At the divisional level

    242 Divisions-Fernsprech-Abteilungen

    193 Divisions-Funker-Abteilungen

    292 Abhorstationen

    617 Carrier pidgeon units.

    ... by the time the time the guns died down in 1918 the German signal troops had layed 6 million kilometers of telephone cable, enough to circle the world 15 times.

    The higher commands

    At the outbreak of the war the Chef der Telegraphie was in command of the Nachrichten branch, at his personal disposition were 1 Kraftwagen-Funkenstation and 1 Fernsprech-Abteilung.

    Each Armee-Oberkommando had a staff officer of the Telegraphentruppen who acted as advisor and was responsible for technical details concerning communications (1J1). Under his command was an Armee-Telegraphen-Abteilung, a Funker-Kommando and 2 Schwere Funkenstationen (1J12).

    Each Generalkommando had a Korps-Fernsprech-Abteilung.

    In December 1916 Hindenburg reorganised numerous existing army command structures, including the Nachrichten services.

    At Armee-Oberkommando the position of the staff officer of the Telegraphentruppen was disolved and an Armee-Fernsprech-Kommandeur (Akofern) were appointed, followed soon after by a Armee-Funker-Kommandeur (Akofunk).

    At Generalkommando level there had initially been no higher ranking signals officer. In December 1916 however, each Gruppenkommando recieved a Gruppenkommandeur der Fernsprechtruppen (Grukofern) and Gruppenkommandeur der Funkertruppen (Grukofunk). The Generalkommando-Fernsprech-Abteilung was renamed Gruppen-Fernsprech-Abteilung with 11 Officers and 285 other ranks divided into a Stationszug, 2 Fernsprechzuge and a Ger?tekolonne. A total of 62 Gruppen-Fernsprech-Abteilungen.

    Another reshuffle took place in August-September 1917.

    The Akofern and Akofunk fell away and an Armee-Nachrichten-Kommandeur (Akonach) took over the Nachrichten units within the A.O.K.s, excluding those under Generalkommando or Divisional control.

    The Akonach was desponsible for the coordination, readiness and communication regulations and security within his area of command and were centrally numbered from 1-26.

    The Grukofern and Grukofunk gave way to a Grukonach (1J2) whose duties were more or less the same as the Akonach, but at a lower level.

    The Grukonach were numbered as follows.

    Those in Active Generalkommando or Generalkommandoes z.b.V. took the number of the Generalkommando and added 600, Reserves added 700. Only the Garde- and Gardereservekorps Akonachs were named according to their unit.

    4 Grukonach were maintained at Heeres level, these were numbered 202-204 and 206.

    In the Etappe there existed Fernsprech- and Funkerdepots which pooled reserves and were responsible for repairs.

    In spring of 1917 these were reformed and a la suite each Armee had a Armee-Fernsprech-Park and Armee-Funker-Park .

    An emergency reserve was formed at Heeres level with two Armee-Nachrichten-Park.

    On the Western front in 1917 the Heeresgruppen-Kommandos formed much needed Fernsprech formations. These were called Heeresgruppen-Fernsprech-Abteilungen and werenumbered 200-202. With the increase in Heeresgruppen in 1918 a 203 and 204 were formed.

    Divisional level

    The cavalry divisions had gone to war with a Nachrichten-Abteilung consisting of one Schweren- and two Leichten-Funkenstationen.

    The active and reserve infantry divisions had gone to war without homogenous Fernsprech or Funker units, but it was soon realised that they were desperately needed on divisional level.

    In the Autumn of 1915 the divisions finally recieved their telephone units, a Fernsprech-Betriebszug (operaters) and a Fernsprech-Bauzug (Line laying and maintenence). These were combined within their respective divisions to form a Doppelzug (1J3).

    (There were also independant Betriebs- and Bau-Zuge at Armee level.)

    The experiances gained at Verdun, where artillery fire constantly destroyed wires and disrupted communications led to a number of innovations and changes. Some innovations included older methods like carrier pidgeons and messenger dogs as well as signal rockets and signaltrupps who used blinckers but the most important innovation was the use of Funker units within the divisions.

    Independant Funkenstation were formed to be attached to forward infantry units. As the war had progressed lighter wireless sets had been developed and were issued to these signal troops. In July 1916 these were named "Funker-Abteilung (kleinstationen)" .

    The Funker-Abteilungen (Kleinstationen) were initially only attached to divisions when and were they were needed. They were renamed Funken-Kleinabteilungen in November 1916. On the 30th May 1917 they were renamed Divisions-Funker-Abteilungen (1J9) and became a permenent element within the divisions. To achieve this the numbers were increased from 102 to 192. These Abteilungen had 6 officers and 222 men, divided into a Funkenstation and 2 Funkenz?gen. Their maximum communications range was 100 kms.

    Under Hindenburg in December 1916 there was a structural and name change for the Fernsprech troops at divisional level. The Divisions-Doppelzug was renamed a Divisions-Fernsprech-Abteilung (1J8) (1J10) (1J11) with 11 officers and 350 men divided into Stationszug and 3 Fernsprechz?ge. A total of 250 Divisions-Fernsprech-Abteilungen were formed. In the same reshuffle a new position was created at divisional level, that of Divisions-Nachrichten-Kommandeur (Divkonach).

    The Nachrichten networks within the divisions had grown to a point where a resposible (in the form of the Divkonach) was needed to assure a uniformity of communications and methods of communication within the Division.

    Regimental level

    When the German army mobilised in 1914, cable telegraphy was only used at divisional level and higher and wireless telegraphy at Armee level to the highest command posts. At the Regimental level and lower the field telephone would be the standard method of communication for the duration of the war. Although not having Telephone units of their own at the outbreak of the war, the infantry did have Fernspr?chgeraete (telephones) issued to them and using these, formed their own internal Fernsprechtrupps.

    Each battalion had 12 telephone operators with a grand total of 12 kms of cable for for use in static positions. Each company had an Unteroffizier and 3 men who were designated as telephone operaters. Only in 1917 was an independant Truppen-Nachrichten-Abteilung formed at regimental level. Commanding this was an Officer at Regimental headquaters and at battalion level a Vizefeldwebel with a Zug under his command (1J7). The batallion Zug had 4-5 Fernsprechtrupps, each with an NCO and 4 men, 2-3 Blinkertrupps with an NCO and 3 men, 4-6 dog handlers with 2-3 dogs and 2-3 men in charge of signal rockets and flares. At company level runners were provided to take messages between the units.

    By Febuary 1918 the Nachrichten units at the Regimental and Batallion levels became formal Truppennachrichtenz?ge. These did not consist solely of the Fernsprechtrupps but also included messsenger dogs, carrier pidgeons, flares, signel horns, sirens, bells and various kinds of signalling flags. Also included in their area of responsibility were special marker and illumination rounds used by the minenwerfer as well as special rounds which could fire messages to the rear.

    Infantry companies had messengers and two bicycles and at battalion and regimental level there were often a handfull of mounted messengers detached from the cavalry.

    Listening posts

    The listening service, "Ahrendstationen", were formed towards the end of 1915, but it was only in January 1917 that they became independant units. In Febuary 1917 there were 22 Arendt-Abteilungen (1J4). In March 1918 they were restructured into 292 Arendt-Stationen. Of these, one was attached to each division (1J5) leaving a number free as a reserve. The staffs of the now defunkt Abteilungen were reasigned to the Akonach and Grukonach to process the information from the messages heard by the stations.

    Until 1916 there was a carefree exchange of conversation on the field telephone lines. There were few apparant dangers and no concievable negative effects.

    At some point in 1916 the Germans began to suspect that their communications were being overheard. This suspicion was confirmed then special communications equipment was discioverd in a captured enemy trench. The fact that the enemy could branch themselves directly onto a telephone line was not the issue as the lines ran behind the German lines, rather the enemy was using the electrical current in the earth to listen in.

    A field telephone operated in an electrical circuit, the message only being transmitted when the current went from the sender to the reciever and back again. This required 2 cables between telephones. An alternate system had been developed to save the confusion that would be caused by having double the amount of cables being strung between positions. The second wire, instead of being connected between the two telephones was connected between the telephone and a steel peg or bayonet, which in turn was stuck into the damp earth, in this way the current would be carried by the earth from one telephone to the other.

    The catch was, the current did not travel directly from one bayonet to the other, but radiated in all directions. If one was to put another cable into the ground, a "searcher cable", it was possible to pick up these currents, usually to weak to be of any use. With a system of valves and special light bulbs the enemy had suceeded in increasing this current to a point where he could listen in on the telephone conversaton of the German signallers. The Germans immediatly tried to implement counter measures, includining running an "earth wire" with a length of 4-500 meters behind their line. This did not seem to have any effect, so they were forced to do away with the earthing system and run double lines between telephones. It was soon discovered that only telephone lines in perfect condition were secure. Any slight damage to the isolating cover would mean the wire would give off current and this in turn would radiate to enemy litening posts.

    The German signallers did not take long in creating their own listening stations, named Ahrendtstationen after their founder. These rapidly surpassed the technology and efficiency of the enemy stations. Signalers would often sneak across nomans land and earth their searcher cables directly in front of the enemy positions, or alternately attach them to the enemy barbed wire, which acted as a superb conductor. The results were extremely satisfying to the German high command.

    It did not take long for the enemy to realise that the Germans now also had listening posts. The counter measures were limited, as on the German side, to implementing a double wire system. This could not prevent the enemy listening in, but did limit the amount of traffic he could listen to. Both sides imposed strict control on telephone conversations, including the content and frequency. Lines not of tactical necessity were removed and front line units were limited to only the bare minimum of calls, once again limited to those of tactical neccesity.

    The Arendt-Stationen, in addition to their task of listening in on enemy conversations also listened for enemy tunnelers and miners as well as being responsible for listening in on German conversations. All conversations, both enemy and friendly, were recorded and sent to the rear to be controlled. This allowed the staff to sanction those who had breached the rules related to telephone security and access what information may have been intercepted by enemy listeners.

    At the Front

    The spiderweb of Telephone lines required a complicated system of administration. Signs, colour coding and maps allowed signallers to recognise which line went where and which unit was responsible for the maintenance of which cable.

    The wet earth tended to corrode the isolation on the wires and the blast caused by artillery shells would cause the wires to rip. To protect the cables behind the lines they were usually strung above the ground on wooden posts, ideally 3m above the ground. In the front line they would run at knee height, except in places where they had to cross the trenches. Here the immagination of the signallers came into play and they used pipes, tar paper and bits of wood to build protective tunnels to protect the cables from hobnailed boots and moisture.

    From around the summer of 1916 new cables of lead and steel arrived at the front. These could be buried and as such were better protected against blast and shrapnel.

    As long as there was no or little artillery fire the system worked perfectly. This changed drastically in the case of sustained or heavy bombardment. A damaged line could mean single or multiple repairs, or even the laying of a new emergency line. What the signallers had to go through in such a case required a large degree of bravery and self sacrifice. When the communication failed they would have to leave their bunker, often the trench as well, and go out into the night, rain, snow or barrage.

    Two men would start out from each side working towards each other, carrying their spare wires and repair equipment. Between the battalion and regimental staffs special repair groups lay ready the men doubling as messangers in case of emergency. One such man was Gefreiter Bruno J?ger (1J6) who's commander wrote

    "J?ger has served on the Regimental staff since May 1917. in this time he has proved himself to be a very reliable telephone operater and in the last days of the Flanders offensive distinguished himself with courageous, brave and unshakable actions. At all times he undertook cable patrols, repairing lines under heavy enemy fire, thereby insuring the command posts had communication with the guns and that commands and orders could transmitted. J?ger is fully deserving of the proposed award."

    A short description of the task of the telephonist in an Artillery unit can be found in "F.A.R. 65 im Weltkrieg 1914-1918" by Hermann Neeff

    "Between the bomb carters the Observer and his telephonists crouch in a hole they had dug. They remain in position, sleepless, with the telephone to their ears. Occasionally the connection to the battery would suceed, only to have the telephone cables ripped by explosions. At these moments the telephonists crept uncomplaining out of the hole and went into the withering fire to repair the line. Many, many did not return.... and the next man would go out to do the job...."

    In the HQ

    In narrow passages, almost like an underground sewer crossing the Vaux-Wald, the regimental headquaters fought its Somme battle. The name "Vaux-Wald" is pretty, the place itself was anything but. The forest consists of bare tree trunks and roots, churned up by the heavy shells. The enemy artillery fires here ceaselessly, obviously believing that the reserve troops are hidden here. In reality there is only a batallion here, hiding in half destroyed underground bunkers. The main body of troops is in the St.-Pierre-Vaast-Wald. Also there are the K.T.K. Bunkers (Kampf-Truppen-Kommanduer or Combat troop commander for each battalion). The K.T.K. bunkers, regimental headquaters, the various companies and the observation posts are joined by lines of thin wire. Most of the wires have been destroyed making converstion impossible, it is always so when communictation is needed the most, when an enemy attack is just about to be launched or has just started.

    It is then that the fieldtelephonists curse as they have to go out in the barrage and follow the lines until they find the damaged section. It is no relaxing and easy job when the enemy artillery is firing. To find the weakspots in time the telephonists are cranking their telephones all the time "Whirr-whirr-whirr"... checking the connections.

    In the regimental command post the telephonist sits with the receiver glued to his ear. Next to him sits the regimental commander and his adjutant, a trench light flickering above the telephone. The stairs down to the bunker are crammed with messengers, telephonists, clerks to copy down the orders and events and men responsible for the signal flares. The headquaters is packed with men, all listening for the "whirr-whirr-whirr". They all know that when it no longer works, that they must run out into the death and destruction above to pass the orders on by alternate means. All ears listen intently. The Vaast-Wald had been under fire for hours, now it was the turn of the Vaux-Wald. Everyone knows that this Sperrfeuer is to hinder the reserves from moving to the front line, it meant the enemy was getting ready to attack

    The bunker becomes more and more clustered as the working parties return and crowd into the shelter. Those to the rear can hardly breathe as the air cannot circulate. Noone complains, there is more at stake here than the comfort of a small group.

    "Whirr- whirr- whirr"

    The commander - "Give me the telephone. Yes..who is it.. Ah, observation post Nameless wood...superb, you also have communication to your right...and how? Enemy..."

    An explosion on the roof of the bunker, the occupants instinctively duck their heads.

    "Hallo? Nameless wood? Good, here is the regimental commander. Understood, II Batln under attack. One moment..." he turns "Herr Oberleutnant, order the III. Batln. forward into the gorge, ready to counter attack." back to the telephone "Yes? " to the clerk "Dietrich, take this down." back to the telephone "Yes? Enemy directly in front of the II. Batln positions. Red flares. Our artillery boxing the sector in, good. Enemy groups are breaking into the II. Batln positions...Hallo? Hallo? are you still there? yes... what? A flank attack on Nameless wood...damn it all! Throw in everything you have!"

    Two thunderous explosions.

    "A flashlight, quick some light!"

    Two more explosions...

    "Hallo? Is that the observation post in Nameless Wood?" to the adjutant " Send a report to the brigade, enemy attack on position Caeser. And fast! Send a carrier pidgeon and the cavalryman. Is the cavalryman from Brigade still here?"

    "Present sir!"

    "Then on your way!"

    "Both my horses have been killed by artillery sir.."

    "Then use your legs! Hallo, Nameless wood? Are we still connected? Good...understood, enemy advancing into Nameless wood...yes...what? ..Damn..what was that? The line is down. Hallo? Hallo?"

    To the adjutant

    "Herr Oberleutnant, send the cavalryman to brigade Headquaters, tell them to send the counterattack regiment."

    To the telephone

    "Hallo? Haaaalllo? Damn the air in here, one can barely speak. Hallo? Ah, the connection is back...Now what! What the hell is this! They have laid the telephone aside...wait..." Turning to the adjutant "Herr Oberleutnant, listen to this... that is English !...QUIET UP THERE! " he shouts up the stairs, "An Englander is demanding paper and maps!"

    The Battalion command post is overun, English voices are issuing orders, they have not noticed the telephone. Voices come from above our bunker, the enemy is firing gas shells. The Commander shouts "Gasmasks on ! Runner Gohlke, to the reserve company, immediate counter attack on the Nameless wood. Runner xxx, to the field artillery, they are to seal off the frontline positions. Runner Koppe to me, right away!"

    The regimental commander orders Telephonist Bolke to fetch Koppe. Bolke dissapears through the bunker exit.

    The occupants wait, the Oberleutnant gets impatient...at last Bolke returns.

    "Is Koppe there?"

    "Yes Herr Oberleutnant..."

    "Good God! Then where is he..is he coming or not?"

    "Sorry sir, he cant..."

    "Are you mad! what is that supposed to mean?"

    "Sir, Runner Koppe requests permission to go to the quatermaster to exchange kit...."

    The adjutant fumes " Is everyone around me going mad! Send Koppe to me right away!"

    "Herr Oberlutnant, Koppe cannot come, He was outside, he needed to go to the toilet. Shells came down and in his haste he dived into the nearest hole. It was the old latrine..."

    A runner from the III. Battalion arrives and pushes his way into the bunker, gasping for breath.

    "Is the Herr Oberlutnant here? Sir! The enemy broke through, III. Bataillon is counter attacking."

    "Thanks you Runner Piether. Everyone in the next bunker is to get ready. They will form a defensive line and observation post in the direction of the enemy. As soon as the first enemy soldiers appear they are to ring the gas gong. All able men to take part in the counter attack." A report comes down that the cavalryman has been found dead, the his message has not reached brigade.

    "What a pity, the poor man. Well, we are all alone then. Everyone passing by must be pulled into the line and will join in the defence...the Unteroffizier there, you collect the men..."

    "Whirr-whirr-whirr"

    A startled hush as everyone looks at the telephone

    The Oberleutnant grabs it

    "What?...Who?...Observation post Nameless wood... positions overun and the enemy is thrown out...yes...III. Bataillon...60 Prisonners, Good, enemy retreating to his lines, our soldiers have taken their original positions..."

    "Miracels DO happen... and with that the end of another day. Unteroffizier, the following report to the brigade "In Caeser position an enemy attack thrown back, enemy back in his position"... and thats it then. Lets see what tonights Armee report says about the Somme battle....."

    Messenger

    Wilhelm Michael in his book Infanterist Perhobstler describes a journey as a messenger between 2 units.

    There was no way to hide, it was as if the almighty himself had called.

    !Go to the left," he said casually, "see if we have contact with the heighbouring battalion."

    Between our positions and the neighbouring batallion lay about 200 meters .... and a curtain of shrapnel.

    By 1914 standards the barrage would have been considered impenetrable, but nowdays.. I was to test the impenetrability.

    Before starting accross I looked around, experiance told me that there would be some kind of trench line, and there it was, the remains were visable.

    I began to run its length. The ground was very uneven and the going was difficult, it was like running in a marsh. Every now and then a flare went up, the English were lighting the way for me. Flares, the occasional bullet whizzing low accross the ground and shrapnel, raining down around me.

    Suddenly I reached the neighbouring Battalion, or so I thought.

    The shrapnel bursts had ceased as I approached but now a flare shot up, right under my nose it seemed. I hit the ground and found myself laying face to face with a corpse. His face was black with two rows of shining white teeth. I lay frozen until the flare flickered out. I realised now why the ground had been so difficult to walk on, I had been walking over bodies. I jumped out of the trench and began to move along it. Out in the open I saw the shapes of men. Relieved I ran towards them, happy to have found the way. About 10 meters from the figures I stopped, my heart beating in my throat. It was quiet here, the men were talking and working, they were making barbed wire obstacles. Instinctively I dropped to the ground. Another flare went up and I saw what a close call it had been... in front of me were Englanders!

    I lay still, playing dead, only my right hand moved, feeling carefully for my pistol. As the next flare lit up the surroundings I stared hypnotised at the figures who crouched ahead of me, unmoving. But ahead of me there were more soldiers laying on the vround! For a second my heart stopped... it began to beat again, slowly, as I realised they were corpses and those who were crouching were a work party, in their hands they held no rifles, just wire, posts and hammers.

    In the meantime my hand had found my pistol. Hidden among the bodies, realising the men in front were workers, I began to feel a small dose of courage returning. At least enough courage to give me hope.

    I did not think of escape yet. The dead men gave me a strange feeling of security, I was able to relax a bit and take stock of the situation. The immediate dangers became clearer. Ahead of me someone spoke. Until then I had not heard anything, only seen. Now I could clearly hear. I did not understand the words, but I knew what they were saying. Any infantryman, no matter what language he spoke would have understood... they were cursing.

    I would have liked to stand up and walk over to join in the cursing but I had no way of knowing how they would react. It somehow felt like the most natural action, to go over to the working party for a chat. They stood there, ordered to make wire barricades against men they did not know, all the time aware of the fact that they could get a bullet in the belly at any second.

    But at that moment I felt a surge of courage, I got up and ran.

    I later remember hearing a shout, but it did not register at the time. Something landed ahead of me and I dived away from it, my head in the mud. Another object landed...Handgrenades ! They exploded one after the other then I jumped up and ran a few more paces... I had no idea where to run. I dropped to the ground again. In that instant a flare went up. God! Two men were standing, looking for me ! In the half light of the flare I fired a few panicked shots at them, and ran.

    I had lost all orientation. In the distance shrapnel was bursting, I ran towards it. It did not take long to reach the area that was under fire... but I had no idea what to do when I got there. What DID I do.. I dont remember exactly, but an hour later I found that my magazine was empty. I must assume that I had hidden within the barrage and in a kind of impotant fury had emptied my pistol in the general direction of the working party, who were about 100 paces away. A pathetic, stupid action.

    Now that so many people have written about how they had moments of weakness, moments of cowardice, I feel no reticence in recounting my own. Actually, it was no big deal, but for one who always prided himself on his fighting prowess, I felt ashamed that it could happen to me. I had almost become sentimental... until they had thrown the granades. My feeling of international brotherhood had been dealt a death blow, and that angered me. Like a fool it made me bear a grudge for a long time to come. I think that is the worst that came out of my experiances that day. It incited me to actively look for opportunities for revenge. After that night Sgt Weihel and I would spend much time clambering around on the Hohenzollern redoubt looking for chances to kill the enemy. But the other side also had its Penobstlers and Weihels, and they in turn did their best to hunt our men. It in no way made our actions any better, but neccessary.

    That night I did not find my way back. I did not think anyone would miss me. I arrived the next moning and reported to my commander, frost residue still on my trousers.

    "Thank God, little Kirsch was beginning to worry you had bought it," he greeted me.

    My friend Adam Kirsh danced for joy when he saw me. "Ya know Penhostler, the worse thing about it would have been trying to find your body amongst all the others out there!" I silently drank the coffee he had given me.

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