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    The Perfect Darth Vader Voice.

    Brian Wolfe


    The Perfect Darth Vader Voice

    After a year of retirement and after more landscaping projects completed than any one person of any age could expect to be done in one summer I am ready for a rest. I’m looking forward to the first frost and then the first heavy snowfall. With my snow blower back from the maintenance shop and binoculars in hand I await that first snowflake’s appearance like a cat ready to pounce on an unsuspecting mouse, or a WWII British Costal Defense Watcher scanning the skies for enemy planes. One task, now taken care of, was the packing up of the patio umbrella back into its case in which it was stored when we purchased it. The case is made of a very tough Nylon mesh with a large reinforced loop from which it can be hung up for storage in the garage or shed. Taking into account the price we paid for this giant bumbershoot we should proudly display it on the living room wall. Considering how my dear wife vetoed my plans for a rather large moose head in that same area I don’t suppose there is much chance of the umbrella being displayed there either. That was not really the perplexing issue with the umbrella as it turned out. The problem was one of displacement, or that is how I saw it. The case was a lot smaller than the umbrella, for some reason. It came out of this mesh “sock” so it seemed a matter of simple physics that it should be able to be returned as the volume of both the space and the object had not changed since we made the purchase in the spring. Having come to the end of my patience I decided to apply the following formula for displacement as a function of velocity and time:

    X=½(V +Vo)t

    V= velocity
    Vo=initial velocity

    The above is just another way to say I lost my temper and tried to give the umbrella the “bum’s rush” into the bag. It didn’t work. Starting over again and more slowly and calmly working the bag over the umbrella an inch at a time I managed to learn two things. First that slow and steady usually prevails over the Attila the Hun approach. Secondly I have learned to appreciate the dining difficulties of the Giant Anaconda (Eunectes murinus) especially if it were attempting to ingest a Volks Wagon Beetle (Das Auto insectus).

    Perhaps the one activity that I look forward most to, when the weather places me on virtual “house arrest”, is returning to writing more informative articles and posts for the forum. Over the spring/summer season I have managed to acquire several nice additions to the collection some with a good deal of rarity associated to them. Writing blogs is an enjoyable pastime that I fit into my day piecemeal, as time permits, but they tend to lack much in the way of informative material. My series, “Collecting the Periphery” , which I intend to continue with, was an attempt to inform and educate the reader in regard to items that were associated to the military aspect of collecting, yet slightly on the fringe. Other blogs were simply my observations and peculiar slant on the world in which I live both in reality and in my imagination (such as News from the Home Office). Therefore in an attempt to both inform and educate the reader and at the same time keep this issue of the “News from the Home Office” as trivial as possible I’ll now discuss the title of this blog.

    The Perfect Darth Vader Voice

    James Earl Jones made the voice of the Star Wars antagonist, Darth Vader, iconic not only to the movie itself but to the very essence of Sci-Fi villainy. As a bit of Star War trivia, “Luke, I am your father”, was never in any of the movies, but has become acceptable as such by many of the uninitiated into the world of the science fiction aficionado. You may lack the deep voice of Mr. Jones but here are a few tricks that may amuse some, ok, maybe one of your friends or at least get puzzled looks from your grand daughters if they are under 8 years old such as mine. Find a Pringles Potato Chip tube or a mailing tube with one end, or bottom, still on. Place the open end over the open end, and breathe heavily through your mouth into the tube. Don’t forget that the inhale and exhale are equally as important here. Exhale forcefully and inhale more forcefully but not as long in duration as you exhale. Now in your deepest voice say the erroneous phrase, “Luke I am your father” into the tube. Use this phrase as it is the most recognized and will also irritate the die-hard Star Wars fans within ear-shot. Here’s the most important part, a trade secret of the annoying nerds who love to imitate Darth Vader. Pronounce each word as if the individual word was on a pedestal. Also emphasize the vowels. For example (note the letters in bold), “Luke...I...am...your...father”.

    Note: If you are a single male this probably won’t help you find a woman. If on the other hand it does...marry that gal; she’s perfect.

    Never let it be said that you can’t learn something and get dating advice at the same time on the GMIC. ;)

    In your face “Match.com”!



    Recommended Comments

    Brian - you've brightened up my morning in a way you will never appreciate !

    The maid is dying of a cough - 5 very loud Zulu workmen are attempting to

    re-mount my big front gate ,after the weight caused the brickwork to crumble ,

    the electricity is off , they keep blowing the fuses and it is bitterly cold , 66oF.

    and - my Dachsie puppy is under treatment for worms - probably picked-up

    from the marauding monkeys.

    So, to put it mildly this was not a good morning - until I read your blog - your

    sense of irony and an inner sense of humour are superb - keep them coming. Mervyn

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    Damn, can't find any tubes whatsoever but I did find an umbrella bag. It doesn't work with one of those and now I can't get it back onto the umbrella.

    Pringles will be on the shopping list tomorrow. Does it matter what flavour?

    Cheers Brian.

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    Damn, and I thought I was going to be original with my most recent blog post citing physics and the end of summer gardening, but I see now you beat me by over two weeks! I still say Nick should start issuing diplomas.

    My 22 year old son is a huge Star Wars fan. His son was born in June this year. He named him Lucas. His wife is already tired of hearing: "Luke, I am your father."

    Oh, and I have a similar umbrella; it's quite large and stands almost 10 feet tall. Exactly like these (yes, including the Żywiec logo):


    However, I usually have no problem with getting it into it's mesh bag. I just recall my youth and putting similar bag-like covers over lengthy tubular items.


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    Hi IrishGunner,

    My son was born in 1977, the year Star Wars first came out (and the year Elvis died), years later my son became a die-hard SW fan as well and even has some "original" scripts. Quotes from the movies MUST be accurate otherwise you are in for a loooong lecture. The phrase from the movie is actually just "I am your father", but using "Luke" just makes it sound better and irritates him at the same time, so it's a win, win situation. ;)



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